You probably know me. I am your friend. Your father. Your brother. Your sister. Your roommate. I am you.

Porn. It is so gross. It is so bad. Why can’t I stop? I know it isn’t what I am supposed to be doing. I know it makes me feel guilty afterwards. I know that it hurts my relationships. Why can’t I stop?

I want to share my story with you, maybe so you can understand me better. Maybe it is so you can understand you better. But overall that is what is most important, understanding. When you understand where I have come from, you are more likely to appreciate where I am. You also are more likely going to appreciate where you are.

I first saw pornography when I was 13 years old. I knew that sex was “bad”, at least I knew my parents never talked about it. Whenever something sexual came up on the TV screen my parents would change the channel and say, “This is crap.” “Huh, I thought it was exciting” I used to say to myself. I didn’t know why it was exciting or what it meant, I just knew it was exciting and my parents did not think it was good.

So I got curious. At first I didn’t know what I was looking for, I just knew I wanted to know what this sex stuff was. Curiosity started my road down to addiction. When I first was exposed to it on the internet, I felt those familiar exciting feelings. I also felt guilty, because I knew it was something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. But that guilt wasn’t enough for me to stop. I kept looking and soon enough my family found out. I got a good talking to, and I felt awful. Why had I done that? It was so bad! It didn’t matter if it was exciting, it was bad!

So I stopped looking for a while, but soon enough curiosity came back. There was a whole new world in pornography, and my want, almost need to explore that world was so hard to throw off. I looked again, and this time I found better ways of not getting caught. I started looking more and more and while the excitement was building, my self-esteem was falling through the floor. Was I bad for looking at this? Was I the only one who wanted to look? I can’t tell my parents, they are just going to yell at me again. Should I tell my friends? What if I tell them and they laugh at me? Or think I am a weirdo? Ugh too many questions… I’ll look again, at least one more time.

My life was so different. I became obsessed with pornography. It became harder to stop and I stopped even really wanting to. Over time my friendships changed and were hurt because I stopped seeing myself as someone worthy of loving or being friends with. What do they care? This is what I do, what I think, what I am.

Then things began to change the more lonely I got. I knew my pornography use got worse when I was lonely, but I never was really happy. I would use pornography, then feel even lonelier than before.

Then I met someone. I knew I needed a friend who would help me. I knew I needed someone. So I prayed. I prayed hard. I told God I was sorry for what I was doing, told Him I was mad at myself for pushing away my friends and family, told Him I was mad at Him (though I didn’t have a real reason), told Him I needed help. I didn’t know it then, but He heard every word of that prayer and sent me my best friend to help. She looked at me differently than everyone else. I could change to her. I was “still good” to her. I was worthy of love. That changed everything.

Soon the lonely feelings left as she and I became closer friends. Porn wasn’t as desirable as it was before. I still struggled looking when I was feeling bad or sad, but it wasn’t on my mind all the time. That was the beginning of who I am today. God continues to answer my prayers as I ask for help. I still have that friend to help me when I am feeling sad. I’m not saying that porn goes away quickly, but it does go away when you have friends and God to rely on. You don’t need it anymore because you are not lonely. Sure, I still get sad and lonely, but I just remember those who love me and reach out to them. The sadness and loneliness fade and the love grows.  

I am your friend. I am your family member. I am you. I have God and friends who help me, understand me, and love me. I have power. And I am happy.

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