What about sex? Are we influenced by our friends regarding our sexual beliefs? Absolutely! And what you do also affects your friends beliefs about sexuality as well. Using the sexual wholeness model as the guide, we can learn to make sexual decisions that align with our values, strengthen our love for God, others, and sexuality itself, and encourage our peers to be sexually whole as well.

The sexual wholeness model teaches us that in order to be completely sexually whole we need to understand the 3 different components of sexuality: physical, emotional, and spiritual. By strengthening these core pieces in ourselves, we can be more fulfilled in our lives, resist temptation to act out of our values, and enjoy happier relationships.

But just how do we apply this tool? Here are some situations that you can use to practice sexually whole decision making.

Situation #1: Porn Alert

You and your friends are walking home from school when one of your friends pulls up pornography on his phone and shows it to the rest of his friends. Let’s take a moment to see if joining in with the group is a sexually whole decision. Is looking at pornography physically pleasing? We all have feelings that make sex exciting and desirable. Those are awesome feelings to have! You probably feel those feelings when seeing the pornography. What about the emotional aspect? It’s pretty tempting to be part of the group in this activity, and it might create good relationships with these people. But the you and the people in the pornography have no connection, no real bond. You are just using them for pleasure, and that is not an emotionally safe relationship. The spiritual aspect clearly tells us that God does not want us looking at pornography, whether with friends or alone. He has specifically told us that lusting after a person is “committing adultery in [our] hearts” (Matt 5:28).

• Physical

• Emotional

• Spiritual

Not a sexually whole decision? Then don’t look at the pornography.

Situation #2: Boyfriend McSteamy

Your boyfriend and you have been dating for almost a year now. He has always respected you and been kind to you. You feel like you can be yourself around him and he makes you feel really special. Your kisses give you crazy butterflies and holding his hand is one of the top ten best things ever. However, one night you find that you are especially enjoying the kisses when things start to get uncomfortable. You really like him but know that going further would go against your values. Let’s analyze this with our sexual wholeness model. Physically, you are really enjoying the situation. You are respecting your body and his. Emotionally, you are also feeling safe and secure with him. He is a great guy and he always respects you. But what about spiritually? The warning in your heart reminds you that God wants us to save sex for marriage. It’s hard not to justify that because he is a good guy, it isn’t so bad. Totally understandable, and the extra pressure of being physically exciting also is hard to reckon with. But to be truly sexually whole, we can’t neglect the spiritual aspect of our sexuality. God wants us to be happy, which is why we need to follow what He asks.

• Physical

• Emotional

• Spiritual

Since you followed your heart and decided to be sexually whole, he respected your choice and you guys went on to have a great date that night. Boom! Sexual wholeness

Situation #3: Beach Bod

It’s summer again and you are so excited for you annual beach day with all of your friends. You have been looking forward to this all spring. When you get to the beach, you unpack and prepare to get into that first burst of cool water. You can’t help but notice that you don’t exactly have the beach bod you wanted by this point and, of course, your friends are all looking amazing. You begin to feel that too familiar temptation to criticize your body with the,”I’m ugly” or “I wish I was skinny like you”. But you remembered that awesome sexual wholeness model and are thinking about how you could apply it to this situation.

You love being with your friends and you really hit the goldmine with this group. They are so loving and really help you be your best self. Emotional component is set. They also happen to be part of your faith as well and you know them to be God-loving. Being with them helps you feel closer to God. Your spiritual side is booming. But what about the physical aspect of this situation? You are about to put down this amazing gift that has been given you. Sure, it isn’t exactly like everyone else’s, but it has so many wonderful things about it! It can walk, talk, drive a car, smell, hear, see, feel things, sing, run, jump, create people, read, type, text, call, eat, think, etc. Your body is pretty cool! So let’s not criticize our physical bodies because they don’t match others’ standards. That isn’t sexually whole.

• Physical

• Emotional

• Spiritual

The wholesome sexual model is an excellent tool for sexual decision making. It affects who you are, what you do, and what you become. It can help you navigate the tricky decisions of life with a sexuality-positive mindset. You are amazing. Your friends are amazing. Sexuality is amazing. Share it with those around you. Let’s turn the conversation around to make sexuality a positive, God-given gift that is going to make you and your friends happier than you ever have been.

The post Sex: Are You Choosing the Right? appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

Emperor Kuzco from Disney’s “The Emperor’s New Groove” (arguably one of the greatest cartoon movies known to man) is exactly the kind of friend you don’t want to be, at least pre-transformation. He epitomizes selfishness. He thinks of only himself. His wants are most important. The world revolves around him. The perfect world begins and ends with him (or so he thought). He is the king of the world.

Don’t be a Kuzco.

It’s not like this is really news or blog worthy. But there is a new spin on this we would like to take. Have you ever thought about how looking outward to help others would affect your sexual views? The sexual wholeness model (INSERT HYPERLINK) shows us that our relationships and the emotional feelings we have towards others is so important in complete picture of sexuality. In order to be totally whole, we need to understand that how we treat others affects our own growth and views about sex. When we choose to serve others and have a mindset of service, we are more complete as a person and as a sexual being. We know we should respect others feelings and they should respect ours. We understand that life is not all about us.

Like post-llama Kuzco.

Here are some introspective questions for you to think about to gauge your selfless meter. How do your answers relate to your view of sexuality?

1. You are running through a hallway and are late to class. You accidentally bump into someone. Do you stop to apologize?
2. You are looking forward to going out to the movies with your friends and your Mom asks for help in the kitchen? Do you help or rush out the door pretending not to hear her?
3. You and your friend are having a conversation. Who talks more? Who feels heard? Who leaves the conversation uplifted?
4. You see a car accident happen. Do you stick around to help the people out?
5. You see a new person sitting alone in church. Your usual group of friends are waving you over. Who do you sit with?

There aren’t any right or wrong answers to these questions per say, but how we approach these situations can reveal how well we are doing to serve others. It also can show us how we feel about others and their feelings, a key aspect of a sexually whole life. “For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Galatians 6:7). When you sow service you reap a mindset of loving others and thus live a fulfilled, happy life.

If you are a Kuzco now, decide to become a llama so you can be a post-llama Kuzco. Serve others and become whole.

The post What Kind of Kuzco Are You? appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

Dirty jokes are the worst. They usually end up as cheap humor used to gain attention rather than humor that is actually funny and uplifting. They are offensive to God as they defile sexuality, one of the greatest gifts He has ever given to us. And when we participate in them, either by telling them or choosing to laugh, we distance ourselves from him. When he tells us that, “…that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” (Matthew 15:11), he is saying that our words have consequences. And choosing words and jokes that are dirty make it harder to feel close to God. You also can offend God when you are putting down people or their bodies. Stop shaming blonde people! Or those who are a bit larger than others! Or those that don’t look like you! Stop shaming women! Stop shaming men! We are so blessed to have bodies and we should be grateful for them. When we use humor or our words to put down others, we are not living up to our assignment to, “be thou an example of the believers, in word,  in conversation… [and] in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).

After all having clean language is much more than not swearing. It is building others up, becoming voices for virtue, and it shows respect for God. It can be a calming voice in an angry environment or a firm proclamation that you will not participate in that. When you use your voice and your words to worship God and what he created, you will be closer to Him. This will fill you with more joy than that joke ever could have brought you!

If this is a struggle for you, there is always hope to change. God loves all of us so much, even if we make some dumb decisions. He wants to be close to us so He can help us be as happy as we can be. If you have made dirty jokes or have put down other people in the past, make up your mind to change. Apologize to God and to those who might have been hurt by your words. You can do this! And if you have laughed at these things before, make the decision now to leave this behind so you can be closer to God. He loves you and you will lead others to Him too.

Hiya! I’m Nate, college graduate in Family Studies, aspiring couples therapist, lover of all things peanut butter, and huge fan of healthy relationships. My goal in life is to help the world talk more effectively in their relationships to create feelings of safety, love, and joy (which is the whole point of relationships in the first place). Thanks for reading!

The post Watch Your Mouth! appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

Picture this. You finally get to have some time with your BFF after school all day. You need to talk to them… BAD. Stress is building, school is the worst, and you just need to vent to someone. You meet up, you say, “Man, I really need to talk to you.” They say, “I’m all ears!” and you are off into your story. Right when you are getting to the good part when you see they aren’t interested anymore and then they turn to another person and start talking to them. You feel disrespected, and invalidated. Super rude!

Then you put down your phone and try and remember if you had responded to what your brother had just said before you started checking Facebook.

Phubbing (phone snubbing). It’s happened to all of us. We all have been enjoying a conversation with another when we hear the buzz and we know that we are no longer the priority of the moment before they even pull the phone out. Or worse, we have found ourselves pulling out our phone, almost against our will, and typing away with more vigor and purpose than the person on the other end of the table ever experienced in our own conversation. Although it can be a real annoyance in any friendship, it can have a lot of effects in how we treat our future partner and spouse.

Whether you know it or not, when you phub someone you are sending the message that they aren’t important enough to have your attention. Obviously there are some understandable why you need to pull your phone out while talking to someone, but most of the time it can wait. The person in front of you has you in front of them; shouldn’t they have your mind too?

To be sexually whole with our spouse like God intends, we should open our whole hearts and souls to them. Healthy, positive relationships are built on emotional safety and security. This means that it is safe to be you in the relationship and that you know you are worthy of your partner’s love and time. If you were having a conversation with your spouse and then they phubbed you, you would probably be pretty upset. You wouldn’t feel emotionally safe. You’d probably think to yourself, “Why do I bother talking if they don’t even care?” It is the same principle with your friends and dating partners. They deserve your attention, not your phone.

So decide now to take back your life from the phub. Your date and your spouse will thank you! And you probably will find it easier to connect with people and prepare for a happy, sexually whole, marriage when you learn to put down the phone and pick up the real connection you are trying to create.

The post Phubbing: What Deserves Your Attention? appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

Body shame is EVERYWHERE. We are constantly bombarded with messages of the shape our bodies should be, the way our faces should look, the right way to style our hair, etc., etc., etc. These messages are really damaging because, according to the media, we are never good enough. There will always be something they want us to improve and something about us that just falls short.

These messages are bogus! God has given us our bodies and they are amazing! We need to constantly remind ourselves and others of this truth. One of the biggest things we can do to help others overcome body shame is being a good friend. Good friends help you be the best you you can be. Surely we are only our best selves when we love, appreciate, and take care of our bodies.

I have had many good friends who have made a huge difference in the way I looked at my body.

During my teen years I never saw myself as enough. I spent a lot of money on makeup and beauty products that promised they would help me finally achieve the look I wanted. However, they never did. I want to tell you about three amazing people who helped me see myself for who I really was and who taught me to absolutely love my body.

1. Kirsten

Kirsten was one of my roommates in college. We were instant friends, teammates, partners in crime, but I mostly consider her to be my big sister. One of the things about Kirsten that really impressed me was that she was so comfortable in her own skin. She wore little makeup and I never ever heard her say anything negative about her body. At the time we were first roommates, I still had the mentality that ruled my high school: Your looks are everything and you are not enough. I would express things to Kirsten like “Wait I can’t go out now I don’t have makeup on!” She would respond emphatically “You don’t need it girl!”, or something along those lines.

I remember one specific instance when we had just gotten home from practice and were sweaty with flushed faces. There was a fun group activity with our church planned, but if we wanted to make it we had to leave right away. I said “We can’t go, we look so gross!” She responded “Boys love that exercise look!” She said it jokingly, but the real message came from her actions, not her words. Her actions told me that we were enough, that people should see us for who we really are, not for what we look like. Kirsten is still one of the most beautiful people I know, and it’s because what she shows is her true self.

2. Nathan

Nathan has been one of my greatest friends since third grade. I remember hanging out with him a lot in high school. Back then I would constantly complain about my body weight around others. It really wasn’t for attention, I felt like I had to somehow make an excuse for not being a size 0, as if my weight was offending everyone around me. I was really insecure and would bring it up constantly.

One day, I made a similar remark about how fat I thought I was, and Nathan responded “NO. You are not fat. STOP IT. You are so beautiful”. It sounds a little intense, but hearing a boy tell me that I was enough just the way I was really got the wheels turning for me. “Could I really be enough?” I thought to myself. This didn’t solve all of my body shaming issues, but it did change the way I thought about myself. I realized that there were boys out there who could love me the way I was, for who I truly am. Six years later, I married that boy and he still makes me feel beautiful each and every day.

3. Tia

One of the most impactful moments for me in my journey to overcome body shame involved Tia. I was attending a church youth summer camp and we were talking about divine nature and individual worth. This means the godliness we have inside of us and the infinite value we each have just for being us! One of the speakers shared her belief of how she is a daughter of God. She taught that if we are children of God, the most powerful and amazing Being in the universe, we must be amazing. If the creator of the world and the universe thinks that we’re His greatest creation, we must be pretty amazing.

Although Tia wasn’t specifically talking about body image, the realization that I am a daughter of the Highest King was stunning and inexplicably impactful. Realizing how amazing I am because of who my Heavenly Father is changed my life. I don’t have to impress the world or fit the standards in the media, I am a daughter of God! And that gives me more self-esteem and self-confidence than I’ll ever need. I will be eternally grateful for Tia for sharing her belief in her divine worth.

So what can we learn from these three amazing people?

• Show your friends that you love your body, no matter what shape, size, or color it is. It really is contagious.
• Don’t let your friends put down their bodies. Be firm in your belief that everyone’s body comes from God, which automatically makes it beautiful.
• Remember that your body comes from God. Any time you think something negative about your body, remind yourself “This thought doesn’t come from God, which means it’s not true”

You can make such a difference as a good friend to those who struggle with body shame. The world needs more people like that. Start being the influence the world needs today.

Hi! My name is Shelby. I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies and am currently applying to grad school to study Marriage Family and Human Development. I study sexuality and healthy relationships. I love swimming, watching movies, speaking Spanish, traveling, eating Indian food, and teaching Don’t just take my word on what I write, try living it!

The post Friends Don’t Let Friends Hate Their Bodies appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

The answer is so full of hope: God. We can ask God questions about ANYTHING. He created our bodies and our sexual feelings so there is no one better to ask. He also loves you more than anyone else, so you can feel safe asking hard questions and trust that He will give you the answer that you need.

One of the most awesome gifts God has given us is the ability to pray and ask Him questions. He has promised us that if we seek, He will answer:

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye. shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened” (Matthew 7:7-8)

 

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5)

So what do we need to do to receive answers from God? Here are some tips that can help you develop a close relationship with God and get you closer to finding the answers you need:

Seek sincerely

Be sincere. Tell God the truth about how you’re feeling. Express your doubts, your fears, your worries, your sadness, your joy, your embarrassment, everything! Tell Him why you need an answer and why you are turning to Him to find one. Even though He already knows everything about you, expressing these feelings to Him opens the door for further guidance.

Be humble

Are you ready to accept whatever answer comes from God? Even if He tells you to do something that might make you seem weird to your friends or that might be hard, are you ready to accept it? Be humble and remember that God loves you and will only give you answers that will help you be happy, even if it means giving up something in the short-term.

Listen

God usually speaks to us in quiet ways. During and after prayer, stop and take a moment to be still and listen. It’s easy to go back to our everyday distractions, but stop and pay attention to the way you feel in your mind and in your heart. Feel what answer is right and listen for impressions that come to your mind. You might even want to write down what you’re feeling as a sign to God that you’re listening and sincerely wanting to receive more answers.

Be patient

God doesn’t always answer us right in the moment that we want it. He knows us better than anyone and knows exactly what timing is right for us to receive the answer. Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith and learn for ourselves. Sometimes He gives us the answer right in the moment that we ask. Know that He will answer if we keep knocking.

So the next time you have a question about being virtuous and being sexually whole, ask God. He will tell you in your heart if what you are doing is right and will guide you to know how to improve if there’s something you need to change.

Remember, God never puts a “closed” sign on His door. You can always turn to Him, and He will always be there for you. You just have to knock.

Hi! My name is Shelby. I’m a college graduate in Family Studies. I love swimming, watching movies, speaking Spanish, eating Indian food, and teaching people how to have healthy relationships Don’t just take my word on what I write, try living it!

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Love is Easy/Requires No Effort

I call this one the Disney Princess message cause of the “happily ever after” feel (and by no means am I saying I don’t like Disney Princess movies CAUSE I LOVE THEM! #allaboutthattangledlife). But honestly, do we really think that love is this simple? From what I have seen from actual happy couples, it looks like they have to put a lot of work in to make sure their relationship stays top priority. I see them apologize frequently and take responsibility for their actions. Love ain’t easy… and that’s okay!

Love is Dramatic

Drama, drama, drama! Aren’t we tired of that yet? It’s almost comical how much crazy things happen in every relationship I see on TV. Of course, love can be dramatic and intense at times but most of real love is going shopping for date night. Real love isn’t like the ocean with its constantly changing waves but like the steady rock that powers through whatever comes. Life is dramatic enough, don’t go for more!

Love Requires Fighting

Ugh… cmon people! Fighting is actually one of those things you should try and avoid in a relationship and when you do need to discuss concerns it should be calm and well thought out. When I see movies where the two people lose control and throw things then end up falling for each other because of it, I have to gag. If someone is throwing things and is freaking out, its called an emotionally unsafe relationship… we can do better.

Love Requires an Initial Physical Attraction

The girl walks into the dance hall all alone then she looks up. There is the boy she has always wanted to talk to and they lock eyes from across the room. That’s love… or is it creepy? The best relationships are built on friendship and solid communication, not hormonal reactions to a pretty face.

Life is Perfect With Love

So this one is tricky. The short answer is no, life is not perfect with love. However, love can make life extremely wonderful and enjoyable. Love should be sought after and the road of life can be infinitely better and more fulfilling than to try and make it on your own. Just don’t expect your love to be the only factor of whether you are happy. I’m afraid to say The Beatles were wrong. All you need is love (and some sense, maturity, safe relationship, discussion of future plans and how you will manage difficulties when they arise, a long enough courtship to see red flags when they arise, etc. etc.)

Love is Life’s Main Goal

As hinted to previously, love is a great thing to reach for. However, it is incomplete. Any Psych 101 student can tell you that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is topped with “self-actualization”, not love. Although love is an important part of a fulfilled life, to set love as the highest goal limits ourselves and sets us up for failure. Your potential is not only defined as whether you fall in love or not! You can do so much good with or without love and, though it is a worthy goal to find love, you should be aiming much higher.

Sex will tell you if it’s true love

BOOOOO!!! THIS IS TOTALLY FALSE! IF YOU GET ANYTHING FROM THIS BLOG, GET THIS!! Sex is a wonderful part of a committed love life. hen you are completely committed to a person (ACTUALLY committed #marriageonly), sex can bring you so close to them and you can feel so much joy. However, sex is not something to throw around to find out if you are truly in love. You should be so confident with your choice by marrying the person before sharing this most sacred and intimate part of yourself.

Playing the game works and is a good idea

No it doesn’t and no it isn’t. There. Now you know. Be honest and truthful about your feelings. You don’t want to play the game your whole life. It might be fun for a little bit, but it will come back to bite you.

Hiya! I’m Nate, college graduate in Family Studies, aspiring couples therapist, lover of all things peanut butter, and huge fan of healthy relationships. My goal in life is to help the world talk more effectively in their relationships to create feelings of safety, love, and joy (which is the whole point of relationships in the first place). Thanks for reading!

The post 8 Lies Hollywood Told Me About Love appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

1. Fact: Religious people are more likely to think they are addicted to pornography, even when they are not.

While the term “perceived addiction” has some negative press among religious communities in the U.S., there is certainly a large amount of evidence that religious individuals who habitually (but not compulsively) look at porn label themselves as addicts at rates 2 to 3 times that of other groups.  What’s the problem with this?  This mislabeling can lead some people to seek after the wrong types of resources; seeking therapy when education or peer support might be better options. This labeling can lead to unneeded guilt and anxiety about the issue and make porn users in religious communities feel broken.  Proper education about what an addiction is (and is not) is key to connecting religious individuals hoping to avoid pornography with the right kind of resources.

2. Fact: Many religious cultures place a large amount of shame and guilt on those that view pornography

This comes as a surprise to no one but with religious engagement and moral standards comes guilt and the potential for shame. While religious individuals would likely argue that guilt has its place as a healthy part of the repentance process, when that guilt is based on perceptions of others (rather than based on our standing with God), it becomes more problematic.  Many pornography users in religious communities feel shamed by their peers, families, and even religious leaders.  This shame can lead to helplessness that can lead to more serious clinical problems.

3. Fact: Religious individuals have heightened anxiety about pornography that promotes unhealthy communication.

In a recent study I did with a student, we found that religious people who view pornography were much more likely to have anxiety talking to people about their own porn use.  My own data suggests that men who are religious and view porn feel uncomfortable even being around women after they view such pornography.  This heightened anxiety can lead dating and married couples to struggle talking openly and honestly about their pornography use.  It is therefore critical that religious individuals and couples learn to manage this anxiety and get to a place where they can communicate emotions, discuss fears, and ask questions in an environment that validates both partners.

While the three issues above may be unique to religious communities, it is important not to forget that these issues do not dismiss the real harm pornography can do to anyone.  That harm includes:

1. Fact: Pornography can lead to compulsive use that interferes with daily individual and family functioning.

 Although the addictive nature of pornography is often over-exaggerated, pornography use does have the potential to develop into a compulsion.  Countless lives have been ruined by individuals who have been stuck in a pattern of compulsive pornography use that interfered with work, families, and hobbies.

2. Fact: Pornography leads to greater relationship and sexual dissatisfaction

As a recent meta-analysis demonstrated, pornography use, especially for men, likely has a negative effect on relationship and sexual satisfaction, regardless of how religious the user is.  Pornography viewing has the potential to alter expectations and beliefs about sexual intimacy in ways that undermine healthy sexual functioning.

3. Fact: Pornography undermines long-term commitment and marriage.

Research has suggested that pornography use can undermine marital happiness, can increase the likelihood of divorce, and makes young adults care less about marriage.  While not everyone plans or expects for a life-long marriage, for those that do, pornography appears to make such aspirations more difficult.

While pornography may provide some unique challenges for the religious, pornography also hurts most people that view it in ways that are often unseen.  Is pornography a unique problem among the religious?  In some ways yes.  But this should never dismiss the other concerns we should have regarding the proliferation of pornography in our modern society.

Brian J. Willoughby, Ph.D. is currently an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Dr. Willoughby is considered an international expert in the field of couple and marital relationships, sexuality, and emerging adult development. His research generally focuses on how adolescents, young adults, and adults move toward and form long-term committed relationships. Dr. Willoughby has been married for fifteen years to his wife Cassi and together they have four children.

The post Porn & Religion: Are We Creating Our Own Problem? appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

Porn use is rough. Not only does it destroy your self-esteem, but it can really damage your relationships with other people. My life revolved around pornography for several years and anyone who tried to help either became objects or barriers to more porn. Either way, my social life was in trouble. I had once been a pretty popular guy, but pornography had ruined my ability to establish healthy relationships with women and I felt alone and trapped.

Then I met my wife. She was smart, compassionate, and exactly what I wanted in my life companion. As we discussed the possibility of marriage, I knew I had to come clean with what I was dealing with. I had tried to avoid pornography use as much as possible but still fell short of the goals I had. I also knew that if we were ever going to have a completely happy marriage, she would have to know the truth. This was the ultimate test of our relationship. Could she handle it? Or was this to be another heartbreak written in my life’s book?

Her response changed my life. It has changed my life since many times. When I told her I was having problems with porn she simply said,

“This doesn’t define you.”

I didn’t know why then, but my life began to change from that moment. Suddenly I wasn’t just a porn addict, but someone worthy of love. My belief that ‘PORN USER’ was forever stamped on my head soon was erased and I felt free to be something more than just an addict. I could envision a happy future with my wife and a fulfilled life that I could be proud of. I could see family dinners, friday night dates, foot rubs after a long days work, and everyday living void of pornography woes. My life could be different. It could be wonderful.

One of my favorite statements I have heard in these years of pornography addiction is, “You don’t have a pornography problem, you have a pornography solution.” I don’t look at pornography because I am a terrible person. I look because I don’t believe I am worthy of love. I look because porn is all I have been or will ever be. At least I did until,

“This doesn’t define you.”

In no way am I trying to excuse my past behaviors, but I do wish to share my encouragement to all of you who are currently trying to understand your self-worth in fighting porn. Porn isn’t your defining feature. You are still a child of God. He still loves you and thinks you are worthy of His love. Jesus Christ knew you were worthwhile and that is why he came and paid for your sins. My wife knew I was still worthy of her love and that made all the difference to me. Because she saw me as more than I was, I began to see it too. And slowly I have become that person.

I really do understand that this statement alone won’t protect all of us from another relapse. I know it won’t heal every wound in a relationship or soothe the ache of every breaking heart. But I firmly believe that love is the beginning to many miracles. We won’t get anywhere without that love. All the therapy, computer blocks, and support groups in the world won’t matter if I didn’t feel the love of others. Because she loved me and saw what I could become, I felt empowered to believe in myself.  

So for the porn user. It doesn’t define you. You can beat this. You can become everything you wanted and more. You can have a happy life. Don’t let it define you.

For everyone else. It doesn’t define them. They can beat this. They can become everything you want for them and more. They can have a happy life. Don’t let it define them.

“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” – Oscar Wilde

Submitted Anonymously

The post The ONE Thing She Said That Curbed My Porn Addiction appeared first on Voices for Virtue.

Does it make a difference to believe that sex comes from God?

A team of researchers may suggest that the answer is yes, according to their findings that a belief in the sanctification of sex has a significant impact on our relationships. Let’s take a look at what they found:

Sanctification is defined as perceiving an aspect of life as having divine character and significance (Pargament & Mahoney, 2009). When people sanctify sex, it means that they believe that sex is holy and comes from a godly source. Some of these beliefs include the following ideas:

• The sexual bond I have with my spouse is sacred to me.
• Our sexual relationship connects us to something greater than ourselves.
• There are moments when we are sexually intimate that time stands still and I feel like I am part of something eternal.
• Being sexually intimate with my spouse feels like a deeply spiritual experience.
• Our sexual connection is part of a larger spiritual plan.
• At moments, being sexually intimate with my spouse makes me very aware of a creative power beyond us.
• Our sexual relationship seems like a miracle to me.
• Our sexual relationship is holy.
• Our sexual relationship puts me in touch with the deepest mysteries of life.
• My sexual relationship with my spouse reveals the deepest truths of life to me.
• Being in a sexual relationship with each other is a reflection of God’s will.
• God played a role in my decision to have a sexual relationship with my spouse.
• I see God’s influence in our sexual relationship.
• In mysterious ways, God deepens the sexual intimacy I have with my spouse.
• God has been a guiding force in our sexual relationship.
• I feel God at work when we express ourselves sexually with each other.
• Our sexual relationship speaks to the presence of God.
• I experience God through the sexual bond I have with my spouse.
• There are moments when I feel a strong connection with God when I am sexually intimate with my spouse
• God’s essence is expressed in our sexual relationship.

Those who do not sanctify sex see it simply as an act that has no spiritual meaning and does not come from God.

 

Do you share any of these ideas about sex being holy? If so, the research findings may be comforting to you:

Researchers asked 83 newlyweds about their opinions of the holy nature of sexuality. They found that the more an individual believed in the sanctity of sex, the more likely they were to have greater marital satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, sexual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. One explanation for this finding is that those who view sexuality as possessing sacred qualities may invest greater time, energy, and resources into their marriages. When we place a high spiritual value on sex, we are more likely to treasure it and use it in the way that God has commanded us.

So what does this mean for us? For those of you who already believe that sex comes from God and has sacred qualities, what can you do to involve God more in your sex life? Is the way you treat your spouse, the way you talk about sex, and the way that you use your body in line with your beliefs that sexuality is sacred? This is an awesome chance for you to stop and truly ponder how your beliefs about God affect your sexuality. How can you improve?

For those of you who are unsure if sex has divine origins, you can ask God. Kneel down and pray and ask him if sex really does come from Him. Ask Him how He wants you to use your body and why sex is important. If you pray with your whole heart and believe that He can answer you, you will receive an answer. Listen for the feelings in your heart as you pray and listen for what God is trying to tell you. He will show you His purposes for sex and help you understand.

 

I personally believe that this research is one example of the way God strengthens our relationships when we come to Him. Every step we take to understanding the world through God’s eyes makes us stronger and happier. God has greater purposes for sexuality than we can possibly imagine. We can begin to take steps to see sex through His eyes by reading His word and praying for understanding. If we do this and apply what we learn to our relationships, we will not only be more satisfied in our relationships, we will find a simple peace that comes from knowing that our desires are in line with Our Heavenly Father’s.

 

Sources:

Hernandez, K. M., Mahoney, A., & Pargament, K. I. (2011). Sanctification of sexuality: implications for newlyweds’ marital and sexual quality. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(5), 775.

 

Hi! My name is Shelby. I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies and am currently applying to grad school to study Marriage Family and Human Development. I study sexuality and healthy relationships. I love swimming, watching movies, speaking Spanish, traveling, eating Indian food, and teaching Don’t just take my word on what I write, try living it!

 

 

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